Own it.

My blog is a little....sparse.  Unlike my life.  I like my blog.  It makes me happy and I like throwing my thoughts at it and seeing how they splatter across the screen.  I should do it more often.

I have too many irons in the fire.  I would love to live simply but I don't know where to start.

I ditched softball this season for starters. (Oooo...livin' on the societal edge!)

I want to OWN my life, people.  I feel like a wild eyed horse charging across the land riderless with the leather stirrups flapping on my sides urging me on into chaos.  Let's slow down, momma, breathe...

Simplify.  Own.

What I didn't expect.

I have been a Catholic since September 2007.   I have been going to a women's Catholic Bible Study for about as long as I have converted.  A few weeks ago our leader asked us to bring our 3 minute life testimony with us next time.  I didn't give it much thought and was thinking to myself that there was no need to prepare...it would be a piece of cake.   As each woman (about 15 of us) shared their heart the walls began to fall down around us.  We couldn't hide.  We were being led by the Holy Spirit and there didn't seem to be any getting away this time.  When it came to me (the only non cradle Catholic) I had to pass at first because I was boiling over with emotion.  When I started for the second time my story poured out of me like a flood that had been locked up for years.  My heart had an incredible desire to share.  I had no idea it was going to be like this. It shocked me and was quite a bit embarrassing.  But it was also so so so good!  So rich.  So deep.  It fed me in a way that I didn't know I was hungry.  God gave me the words to say and the strength to say it.  From this experience I have decided that I need to write down my conversion story and maybe someday share it again.  It is important to me.

The Gift at the Fork

 I want to talk about my journey in making BIG decisions.  The type of decisions that have brought my body bent in prayerful determination.  My mind whirling and twirling in confusion.  Feeling so sure that the answer was either a definite yes or no. And that I had to decide NOW.  The sooner the better!  My heart hurting so much that I could hardly breathe.  Dried tears stuck to my face.  Scared of making the wrong choice.  Feeling paralyzed.  There are so many forks in the road.  Should I break up with this God-fearing boy? Should I change jobs? Should I go back to school? Should I tell this person that what they are doing is wrong and risk losing a friendship? Is God calling me to be Catholic? Should I marry this boy?  Should we be open to life this month? 

To be honest, I have never heard a loud booming voice or writing on the wall.  I have never even heard a whispering voice.  I hardly ever feel a sudden *ding ding - "Eeeek! I know the answer! That was easy!"   The peace often times doesn't come along until after I have made my decision.  After everything is said and done and I have spent every last ounce of my mental energy and is all I can do is just go with it.  Still not sure if this is what God wanted me to do.

I am beginning to form a new view on my relationship with God.  There are going to be forks in the road.  The roads, often times, will be like day and night differences and the answer (at least to me) should be an obvious left or right.  Sometimes I think making decisions are not for the decisions themselves...but as a way of helping us to learn to trust in HIS WAYS.  I get so wrapped up in the details.  All of the bigger than life decisions to me are but tiny details to God...He knows the big picture.  

I'm not saying that we should stop praying and just flop along the road of life.  We need prayer to get to know the God who knows everything.  Prayer grows us up in love with Him.  Prayer helps us to stand up straight and walk confidently forward with God even in uncertain times.  Trusting that He takes care of us.

I think it's important to know that it's okay to wait on the Lord.  If it's supposed happen...whatever it is it will be there waiting for you when you are ready to walk forward with the Lord.  Looking back I am sorry for how I would get antsy and in a hurry to get past the fork.  Maybe the fork could be used as a resting spot...a place to stop and get to know yourself in HIM before moving on.  Just be okay with not knowing and set your eyes unwaveringly on Him who has made you and knows you so intimately.  Once you pass the fork...life starts happening at a quicker pace and that incredible moment of resting in Him intimately will be gone in a blink of the eye.  Then you will know what a gift you had...at the fork.

i hope you know.

busiest ever. feeling so fulfilled in the midst of fatigue. life is so beautiful.  so messy....so hard...challenging...full of an infinite amount of ways to love...and love again and again.

 my heart could seriously burst.  it's a blur and it freaks me out and my stomach flip flops when it hits me sometimes about how quickly they grow.  it hurts. strangely. a unique personal growing pain.

afraid that i don't have enough time in a day to let them know they are (all of them) my greatest earthly "possessions."  i hope they know.

 i know i'm busy, overwhelmed at times, easily angered, under water...and for that i am so so sorry.  please forgive me!  i'm growing up right along with you.  i'm sorry for that, too.  i wish i was complete...a perfect example for you.

Growing Pains

 I am having growing pains.

I am now a mom of four.  Ages 5, 3, 20 months, and 2 weeks. 

I am homeschooling the two oldest every morning and wondering sometimes if I should have held off a few more weeks before diving head first back into regular life.

 The two oldest found a bottle of fingernail polish and painted themselves, their toys, and their bedroom carpet while I was upstairs nursing baby.  I was too upset to get a "memory picture."


Baby was crying so I put little Miss Fiona down from her high chair to go take care of him...she promptly climbed back up and tried to feed herself the rest of her cereal.

 It's amazing how growing a family will grow you.  Growing pains.  You find out how incredibly selfish you are.  I fight with myself on a daily basis to be the best mom possible and let go of who I am ALONE...and try to be who I am IN HIM


Lately it seems like more days are in need of some serious "come to Jesus" moments.  Mainly for mommy.  I want to be a good example to them of God's love.  Lord, help me! 



Children are so forgiving.  I feel blown away sometimes by how easily they come back to me, hug me, tell me they love me...after I have been so impatient with them!  Oh, to be like a child....




 Growing pains.

Memory Lane

I haven't been to one of my favorite spots since I was pregnant with Isaac.  That was 5 years ago!   It's amazing how becoming a mother will change your priorities.  We took motorcycles and a Polaris Ranger down into the Kansas pasture by the fresh springs.  It's been dry here but the springs still made the location look like we had left the country. 

 Watching the kids play in the spring reminded me of when we were dating.  Coming down here to play, talk, catch little critters, laugh, lay in the grass and talk. 

 Those trees....

It was a much needed walk down memory lane.  We need to do it more often.

feeding the littles

i want to be a really really good momma dear.  one with amazing patience, endless cuddly kisses.  letting the littles climb all over me and make BIG messes...and lots of them.   laughing and giggling...tickling and talking the whole time.  answering every one of those questions.  O Boy!   i am so far away from being the perfect momma dear.  i am so afraid.  afraid I'm going to lose these precious days to my tired, selfish, pregnant/breastfeeding body/mind.  I want my heart to cuddle up with him when he calls me back to his room after he has been tucked in twice.   Calling me back for that one last childhood mom "encore!"  Oh how I should feel like an energetic rock star momma dear..."yes, my little love...lets have another cuddle for us!!"    i hear this won't happen forever....    i want it to never end...but OH! i am so tired...in need of a quiet selfish evening.  but if I am honestly honest...I guess I don't really need to keep feeding "me"...because when I feed them....i am being fed.