Own it.

My blog is a little....sparse.  Unlike my life.  I like my blog.  It makes me happy and I like throwing my thoughts at it and seeing how they splatter across the screen.  I should do it more often.

I have too many irons in the fire.  I would love to live simply but I don't know where to start.

I ditched softball this season for starters. (Oooo...livin' on the societal edge!)

I want to OWN my life, people.  I feel like a wild eyed horse charging across the land riderless with the leather stirrups flapping on my sides urging me on into chaos.  Let's slow down, momma, breathe...

Simplify.  Own.

What I didn't expect.

I have been a Catholic since September 2007.   I have been going to a women's Catholic Bible Study for about as long as I have converted.  A few weeks ago our leader asked us to bring our 3 minute life testimony with us next time.  I didn't give it much thought and was thinking to myself that there was no need to prepare...it would be a piece of cake.   As each woman (about 15 of us) shared their heart the walls began to fall down around us.  We couldn't hide.  We were being led by the Holy Spirit and there didn't seem to be any getting away this time.  When it came to me (the only non cradle Catholic) I had to pass at first because I was boiling over with emotion.  When I started for the second time my story poured out of me like a flood that had been locked up for years.  My heart had an incredible desire to share.  I had no idea it was going to be like this. It shocked me and was quite a bit embarrassing.  But it was also so so so good!  So rich.  So deep.  It fed me in a way that I didn't know I was hungry.  God gave me the words to say and the strength to say it.  From this experience I have decided that I need to write down my conversion story and maybe someday share it again.  It is important to me.

The Gift at the Fork

 I want to talk about my journey in making BIG decisions.  The type of decisions that have brought my body bent in prayerful determination.  My mind whirling and twirling in confusion.  Feeling so sure that the answer was either a definite yes or no. And that I had to decide NOW.  The sooner the better!  My heart hurting so much that I could hardly breathe.  Dried tears stuck to my face.  Scared of making the wrong choice.  Feeling paralyzed.  There are so many forks in the road.  Should I break up with this God-fearing boy? Should I change jobs? Should I go back to school? Should I tell this person that what they are doing is wrong and risk losing a friendship? Is God calling me to be Catholic? Should I marry this boy?  Should we be open to life this month? 

To be honest, I have never heard a loud booming voice or writing on the wall.  I have never even heard a whispering voice.  I hardly ever feel a sudden *ding ding - "Eeeek! I know the answer! That was easy!"   The peace often times doesn't come along until after I have made my decision.  After everything is said and done and I have spent every last ounce of my mental energy and is all I can do is just go with it.  Still not sure if this is what God wanted me to do.

I am beginning to form a new view on my relationship with God.  There are going to be forks in the road.  The roads, often times, will be like day and night differences and the answer (at least to me) should be an obvious left or right.  Sometimes I think making decisions are not for the decisions themselves...but as a way of helping us to learn to trust in HIS WAYS.  I get so wrapped up in the details.  All of the bigger than life decisions to me are but tiny details to God...He knows the big picture.  

I'm not saying that we should stop praying and just flop along the road of life.  We need prayer to get to know the God who knows everything.  Prayer grows us up in love with Him.  Prayer helps us to stand up straight and walk confidently forward with God even in uncertain times.  Trusting that He takes care of us.

I think it's important to know that it's okay to wait on the Lord.  If it's supposed happen...whatever it is it will be there waiting for you when you are ready to walk forward with the Lord.  Looking back I am sorry for how I would get antsy and in a hurry to get past the fork.  Maybe the fork could be used as a resting spot...a place to stop and get to know yourself in HIM before moving on.  Just be okay with not knowing and set your eyes unwaveringly on Him who has made you and knows you so intimately.  Once you pass the fork...life starts happening at a quicker pace and that incredible moment of resting in Him intimately will be gone in a blink of the eye.  Then you will know what a gift you had...at the fork.

i hope you know.

busiest ever. feeling so fulfilled in the midst of fatigue. life is so beautiful.  so messy....so hard...challenging...full of an infinite amount of ways to love...and love again and again.

 my heart could seriously burst.  it's a blur and it freaks me out and my stomach flip flops when it hits me sometimes about how quickly they grow.  it hurts. strangely. a unique personal growing pain.

afraid that i don't have enough time in a day to let them know they are (all of them) my greatest earthly "possessions."  i hope they know.

 i know i'm busy, overwhelmed at times, easily angered, under water...and for that i am so so sorry.  please forgive me!  i'm growing up right along with you.  i'm sorry for that, too.  i wish i was complete...a perfect example for you.

Growing Pains

 I am having growing pains.

I am now a mom of four.  Ages 5, 3, 20 months, and 2 weeks. 

I am homeschooling the two oldest every morning and wondering sometimes if I should have held off a few more weeks before diving head first back into regular life.

 The two oldest found a bottle of fingernail polish and painted themselves, their toys, and their bedroom carpet while I was upstairs nursing baby.  I was too upset to get a "memory picture."


Baby was crying so I put little Miss Fiona down from her high chair to go take care of him...she promptly climbed back up and tried to feed herself the rest of her cereal.

 It's amazing how growing a family will grow you.  Growing pains.  You find out how incredibly selfish you are.  I fight with myself on a daily basis to be the best mom possible and let go of who I am ALONE...and try to be who I am IN HIM


Lately it seems like more days are in need of some serious "come to Jesus" moments.  Mainly for mommy.  I want to be a good example to them of God's love.  Lord, help me! 



Children are so forgiving.  I feel blown away sometimes by how easily they come back to me, hug me, tell me they love me...after I have been so impatient with them!  Oh, to be like a child....




 Growing pains.

Memory Lane

I haven't been to one of my favorite spots since I was pregnant with Isaac.  That was 5 years ago!   It's amazing how becoming a mother will change your priorities.  We took motorcycles and a Polaris Ranger down into the Kansas pasture by the fresh springs.  It's been dry here but the springs still made the location look like we had left the country. 

 Watching the kids play in the spring reminded me of when we were dating.  Coming down here to play, talk, catch little critters, laugh, lay in the grass and talk. 

 Those trees....

It was a much needed walk down memory lane.  We need to do it more often.

feeding the littles

i want to be a really really good momma dear.  one with amazing patience, endless cuddly kisses.  letting the littles climb all over me and make BIG messes...and lots of them.   laughing and giggling...tickling and talking the whole time.  answering every one of those questions.  O Boy!   i am so far away from being the perfect momma dear.  i am so afraid.  afraid I'm going to lose these precious days to my tired, selfish, pregnant/breastfeeding body/mind.  I want my heart to cuddle up with him when he calls me back to his room after he has been tucked in twice.   Calling me back for that one last childhood mom "encore!"  Oh how I should feel like an energetic rock star momma dear..."yes, my little love...lets have another cuddle for us!!"    i hear this won't happen forever....    i want it to never end...but OH! i am so tired...in need of a quiet selfish evening.  but if I am honestly honest...I guess I don't really need to keep feeding "me"...because when I feed them....i am being fed. 

Together in Love

Today my heart feels an incredible urgency to take my babies in my arms and live in the moment...from here on out.  I get so wrapped up in myself and what is next on the agenda...I forget the importance of being together in love.

 

Soak up the simplicity.  Let the roar of "busy" go somewhere else. Calm down.

Remember who we are and why we are here.  That needs to be a habit.

The Housewife as Martyr

A good read:

The Housewife as Martyr

I complain about cleaning.

"The conditions in which the poorest of the poor lived in Calcutta at that time, and still live today, are unimaginable.  The air in the city was so polluted that if you went out onto the street in the morning in a clean shirt to buy the Calcutta Herald Tribune, you returned with your sleeves and collar all dirty.  The heat, the humidity, the dust and the dirt stirred up by the passing cars were indescribable.  It was especially abd when there was no wind. Then the many, many burning garbage heaps produced smoke that hung over Calcutta as in a bell jar.
Cleaning was therefore part of the Sisters' daily life.  They cleaned not only their own house, but also the houses of the poorest of the poor when they went to visit them.  They cleaned ceaselessly.  When they came home after a "cleaning project", the first thing they had to do was wash their own saris.  All this dirt made it quite clear that cleaning can also be seen as the work of the Holy Spirit.  Why?  Because it preserves life.  In a city like Calcutta, life dies if you do not keep cleaning.  Life becomes sick and ugly - and dies.
Cleaning is life-sustaining.  And everything that sustains life comes from the Holy Spirit.  So by cleaning we encounter the Holy Spirit in our everyday lives!

Taken from the book:  Mother Teresa of Calcutta by Leo Maasburg

Opening my eyes

Matthew 21:6-11

The disciples went and did as Jesus had directed them;  they brought the ass and the colt, and put their garments on them, and he sat thereon.  Most of the crowd spread their garments on the road, and others cut branches from the trees and spread them on the road.  And the crowds that went before him and that followed him shouted, "Hosanna to the Son of David! Blessed is he who comes in the name of the Lord!  Hosanna in the highest!"  And when he entered Jerusalem, all the city was stirred, saying, "Who is this?"  And the crowds said,  "This is the prophet Jesus from Nazareth of Galilee."


Distracted. Looking around with tired eyes. Is she doing okay, I wondered?  I glanced at our 6 month old in her daddy's arms.  People hustle bustling around us to get a seat in the convention center.  My eyes looked this way and that at what everyone was wearing. Shifting my weight...wondering how late we would be up tonight.

And then my heart was stirred (Matthew 21:10).  My full attention was suddenly turned and my heart skipped a beat.  Walking right toward me was the Eucharistic Procession.  About 10 priests in two lines with the monstrance held high with Jesus being  carried for everyone to see.  I watched as everyone in the convention center, like a wave, lowered to their knees.  A silence followed and it seemed as all eyes were trained on the most precious host.   A lump formed in my throat.  THIS is Jesus! THIS is what we have been waiting for!  My thoughts turned to the story in the Bible. "Blessed is he who comes in the name of the Lord! Hosanna in the highest!" 

As I participated in my first Eucharistic Procession I felt my spirit come alive for the first time in a long time.  Little girls with baskets were spreading flower petals all along the path....("most of the crowd spread their garments on the road and others cut branches from the trees and spread them on the road. Matthew 21:8)  Kneeling there in front of the Eucharist in the grass with hundreds of others singing worship songs to our Lord and Savior was uniting, freeing, strengthening. 

Lord, thank You for opening my eyes.  Please help me to continue to see You in every mass. 

courage.

Usually we have to grow up to truly appreciate our mothers. A child (much like myself) will test the waters of her mother’s love…sometimes with just a wiggling big toe and other times splashing and laughing neck deep.
I have grown into a new love for her, Brenda Leebrick, my mother. Her name means “sword” or “torch”. She probably doesn’t feel much like a piercing sword or a flaming torch…but sometimes we have to point out the obvious.
She grew up big city. Nice house, nice cars, tanning by the pool with her girl friends most days of the summer (seeing who could get the darkest of course!), and very little work was done around the home for her parents. Often times their family would make trips out to their relatives who owned a small farm. She embraced that kind of life and soaked up every moment while she was there. The fresh air, the livestock, going fishing, the simplicity of life! This was her dream!
Her dream come true farmer boy pulled up in a blue Ford Falcon. He was a stark contrast to the city boys she grew up around. Farmer tan and all! She was immediately attracted to his lack of desire for materialism. Simplicity. What a breath of fresh air he was to her!
After several motorcycle rides and cruising in the blue Falcon, they eventually became Mr. and Mrs. Leebrick. Off to the farm she went leaving the pavement literally in the dust! Little did she know what the years ahead would hold!
Sometimes my mother reveals a memory of those days and I get a glimpse of her courage. I imagine her now, in my minds eye, rolling up her city girl sleeves, trying to ignore the dirt under her nails, and learning about the hard-working farm. There were seemingly endless late nights breathing life into their 600 head of sheep. Carrying armfuls of newborn, nearly frozen lambs into the house to be bathed in warm water. Making bottle after bottle of milk replacer to give to sweet little happy tails that would wag and wiggle as they sucked the bottle dry. One memory in particular leaves me in awe of how hard she worked; walking into the trailer house, where they lived at the time, and feeling the exhaustion sweep over her, she looked at the linoleum and then at the carpet and decided the carpet would be a better place to pass out. So there she crashed and fell asleep still clothed and smelling like a flock of sheep.
There was loneliness from leaving behind what she knew (the city, parents, and friends) and stepping into a whole new culture…agriculture. Marriage is one thing to get used to…she had a whole new world to get used to! One of the times she didn’t feel very lonely was when she would use the phone. She explained that it was like going back in time because she suddenly had to use a party line! There were days when throwing up her arms and running back home looked like the easy way out. But she stood and took one step in front of the other. She pressed forward and persevered.
Being an only child herself I’m sure it was sometimes mind boggling to watch us kids wrestle emotionally and physically with one another! The ups and downs and the ins and outs of her children being siblings was, I’m sure, very hard to take! I will never forget the time my brothers and I decided to become like pigs and wallow in a huge mud hole we found out in a field. My mom looked rather mortified when we came slopping up to the house drenched head to toe with just our white teeth shining through!
My mother loved us courageously. She could see our promise and fought for it. She shed tears for us that we will never know about. She rejoiced when we rejoiced and hurt when we hurt. She was our momma bear! She sometimes tells a story of angrily chasing a ram away from her oldest son, Daniel, with a pitch fork (or something like it) after the ram decided Daniel didn’t belong in his territory. I love the memories of the times that she would just listen to me cry when it seemed like the end of the world was swallowing me whole. She was strength and the light at the end of my tunnel.
As I am growing up, my mother’s courage gives me courage. Courage to roll up my sleeves and embrace the life that God has set before me. Courage to take one step at a time.

alis volat propriis.

A Growing Up Mother

I have big ideas.  Lately I am realizing what my big ideas are doing to my little family.  I want to be a stay at home mom...not a distracted at home mom.  A couple days ago I decided to let go of one of my biggest ideas: Happy Tail Acres  I made a list of pros and cons and am now finding homes for each and every "idea."   It's hard to grow up sometimes.  I need more time for the precious little feet pitter pattering around our home.  I am new to this motherhood life but not new enough to realize it's going to take sacrifice and intense dedication to be good at what I do.  I love them too much to be distracted.  Lord, please help me to take what you have blessed me with seriously.  I pray that the Lord shows me that it is okay to let my big ideas rest simply in my family for the time being. 

this is not about me. it's about simplicity. i see people running and they don't have time for what is the most important.  family. it's about cultivating.  cultivating what hasn't been used in ages...digging down deep and reaching for the beauty that sustains.  this isn't about being scared. He's got His hand in it all.  this is about birth, growing, learning, working, playing....listening and not talking.