I want to talk about my journey in making BIG decisions. The type of decisions that have brought my body bent in prayerful determination. My mind whirling and twirling in confusion. Feeling so sure that the answer was either a definite yes or no. And that I had to decide NOW. The sooner the better! My heart hurting so much that I could hardly breathe. Dried tears stuck to my face. Scared of making the wrong choice. Feeling paralyzed. There are so many forks in the road. Should I break up with this God-fearing boy? Should I change jobs? Should I go back to school? Should I tell this person that what they are doing is wrong and risk losing a friendship? Is God calling me to be Catholic? Should I marry this boy? Should we be open to life this month?
To be honest, I have never heard a loud booming voice or writing on the wall. I have never even heard a whispering voice. I hardly ever feel a sudden *ding ding - "Eeeek! I know the answer! That was easy!" The peace often times doesn't come along until after I have made my decision. After everything is said and done and I have spent every last ounce of my mental energy and is all I can do is just go with it. Still not sure if this is what God wanted me to do.
I am beginning to form a new view on my relationship with God. There are going to be forks in the road. The roads, often times, will be like day and night differences and the answer (at least to me) should be an obvious left or right. Sometimes I think making decisions are not for the decisions themselves...but as a way of helping us to learn to trust in HIS WAYS. I get so wrapped up in the details. All of the bigger than life decisions to me are but tiny details to God...He knows the big picture.
I'm not saying that we should stop praying and just flop along the road of life. We need prayer to get to know the God who knows everything. Prayer grows us up in love with Him. Prayer helps us to stand up straight and walk confidently forward with God even in uncertain times. Trusting that He takes care of us.
I think it's important to know that it's okay to wait on the Lord. If it's supposed happen...whatever it is it will be there waiting for you when you are ready to walk forward with the Lord. Looking back I am sorry for how I would get antsy and in a hurry to get past the fork. Maybe the fork could be used as a resting spot...a place to stop and get to know yourself in HIM before moving on. Just be okay with not knowing and set your eyes unwaveringly on Him who has made you and knows you so intimately. Once you pass the fork...life starts happening at a quicker pace and that incredible moment of resting in Him intimately will be gone in a blink of the eye. Then you will know what a gift you had...at the fork.
